Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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