The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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