If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
