I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
