Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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