you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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