By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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