i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have fence marks all over my body
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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