Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
