i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ketchup is God's man juice
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Randomize
