Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
