yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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