DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
