What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
