I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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