batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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