Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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