i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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