Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
