Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My ass is underappreciated
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
