The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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