We named our party play list daddy issues
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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