is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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