By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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