On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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