Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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