You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
