guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
