I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
