Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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