Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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