Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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