Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!