Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.