I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
