just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
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What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.