she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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