i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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