your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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