Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
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She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
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OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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