if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
