she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
