Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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