I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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