I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
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I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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