Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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