Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
