I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have fence marks all over my body
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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