Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
