well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
being pregnant is like rehab
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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