Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He? As in you personified your dick?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
