He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
