I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
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i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I yelled at your uterus for you.