Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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