This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
