my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
