Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
