so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
